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Roy Moore

There once was a man named Roy

Who considered women his toys

He was really such a boor

This election’s come unmoored

And his supporters are busy playing coy


Roy Unmoored

Roy Moore was removed twice from the Alabama Supreme Court. First in 2003 for refusing to remove a statue of the Ten Commandments from a federal building. Thus officially recognizing a state religion, which is in opposition to the Bill of Rights. Then again in 2016 he was removed for “directing probate judges to continue to enforce the state’s ban on same-sex marriage despite the fact that this had been deemed unconstitutional.”

He then ran for state senate to take the seat vacated by Jeff Sessions.

Quickly, claims began to circulate that regarding his proclivity for women not-always-above the age of consent (which in Alabama is 16).

Coy Boor

Some republicans immediately called for him to drop out of the race. Many others vocally wondered why these accusations were only becoming public as he was running for the senate.

Can we address this and other questions? Let’s see.

Why didn’t these alllegations surface sooner?

An immediate response would be that he has run for and attained public office before. Perhaps the change isn’t that he is running for a powerful office, but that men being held accountable for sexual misconduct is finally a real thing.

The allegations WERE there sooner. Many recall Moore being banned or at least repeatedly run off from a local mall where he pursued women just above the legal age of consent.

Is there any proof?

Proof in cases like this is difficult to come by, but the idea that there are just a couple of women telling stories is woefully short of the mark. Before the Washington Post came forward with the story, they had four women who claimed sexual misconduct and 30 witnesses that attested to their veracity, everything from stating the women told them about it at the time to the mothers of the women stating Moore approached them for permission to date their daughters.

As of now, nine women in all have come forward and the number of people who support these women’s stories or tell other stories is difficult to fully track.

Didn’t these women do this because they disagree with his politics and wanted to bring him down?

Many of the women are republicans who supported Trump in the Presidential election

He didn’t really write in a girls high school yearbook when he was District Attorney, did he?

One of the allegations of misconduct comes from a women, Beverly Young Nelson, who was in high school and Moore was 14 years her senior. Nelson, who offers what she says is his signature in her yearbook in 1977, is scoffed at by Moore and supporters. However it’s the response that is problematic.

First they said it was a forged signature, but handwriting analysis can’t exonerate him. THEN they said that it wasn’t him who signed it, and D.A. doesn’t mean District Attorney but rather an assistant signed it, and D.A. is the initials of her name. Because, you know, that’s a thing.


A history of treason and racism:

Being creepy and prone to sexual misconduct isn’t his only character flaw.

And if you think it’s not treasonous to support groups that call for secession from or dissolution of the US, you’re probably reading the wrong magazine right now.

Roy Moore was considered by friends and classmates least likely to succeed.

Okay, proclivities toward young women, associations with racists and secessionists, repeated calls that Obama was a pretender president who was born in Kenya… and he’s kind of an idiot.

  • Professor Clint McGee: “…you’re the most mixed-up person I’ve ever taught. I’m going to call you Fruit Salad.”
  • John D. Saxon: “Dear Lord… please help old Roy out… He was totally, hopelessly confused.”
  • Anonymous “I remember our constitutional-law professor really ripping Roy apart and thinking, in retrospect, ‘I can’t believe this man went to West Point.’ Because you kind of think that you have to be smart to go to West Point,”
  • Officer, Barrey Hall: Moore’s “policies damn near got him killed in Vietnam. He was a strutter.”
  • Professor Guy Martin: “When you go to Vietnam as an officer, you don’t ask anybody to salute you, because the Viet Cong would shoot officers,” he explained. “You’ve heard this a million times in training.” If Moore indeed violated this rule, Martin went on, “There’s nothing more telling about a person’s capability and character and base intelligence. It’s crazy.”
  • Professor Guy Martin: (Shortly before the Republican primary wrote an editorial warning voters about his former student.) He described Moore as a pupil so immune to logic and reason that he forced his exasperated teacher to “abandon the Socratic method of class participation in favor of the lecture mode.”
  • Anonymous: “Roy always sat in front of us, and he would turn around and flirt. He’s the one thing that brought humor to us, because he was, well, kind of a doofus,”
  • Anonymous “…Roy would ask all of these questions to put himself in the middle of debating with an intelligent professor, and he was always cut to shreds.”
  • Julia Smeds Roth: “He was not a very attentive student. For the most part, students didn’t respect him much.” She added, “Of all my classmates, he was the least likely I’d think would become a U.S. senator.”

New Yorker: Moore’s professor called him fruit salad.


It is especially precious that we used as the fodder for this Dumpster Fire Kids card an actual, unadulterated picture of Donald Trump and his somewhere-near-the-age-of-consent-but-come-ON! daughter Ivanka. This picture just creeps me out. I am not sure if it would creep me out if Donald Trump didn’t repeatedly, on national television, talk about how sexually attractive his daughter is and how he would definitely be dating her if she weren’t his daughter.

Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump
Donald Trump and Ivanka being not-at-all creepy.

One Comment

  1. Wulfie MaGhee Wulfie MaGhee December 1, 2017

    Let’s not forget that during the time of these allegations he was the DA and would be the one required to bring charges against himself. There was the strong ‘at-a-boy’ attitude back then in Alabama. So any accuser would have been quashed quickly with nowhere to turn.

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